Part 1: For those who travel

Over the years I have noticed that when husbands and fathers leave home for extended periods of time (military personnel, truck drivers, long distance commuters, etc.) it puts quite a strain on the marriage and family. This is usually because of the loss the family suffers when someone is missing. However, the strain increases in intensity when the wife must jump in and fill his roles in the family. She must be the mother and the father while her husband is gone.

The stress mushrooms further when he suddenly returns. Bob is home, but Karen has been doing his jobs for a while and has gotten used to filling his shoes. Things have finally settled into a routine, and here comes Bob expecting to fit back into the home in just the same way as before he left. Sometimes she wants to give the duties back, but sometimes she does not. Moreover, most men do not know how to take back their role, and so often times they simply drop out of sight and never take back any of their roles, especially if they are simply going to be departing again soon.

When I was in the Navy, oh so many years ago, we had a ceremony called the changing of the guard (or watch). Usually, this changing of the guard involved simply telling the fellow who was relieving me, our depth, speed, direction, plans for the near future (coming to periscope depth at 0400) and regular events (taking soundings every hour, etc.). Nonetheless, this was not a totally informal operation. When I was getting off watch, I had to sign a logbook recording the fact that I had officially handed the watch over to my replacement. Then he had to sign the same logbook, acknowledging that he had formally taken over the watch. We did this every time a new person came on watch so that the new man knew and understood what he was getting into when he stood the watch.

You’re probably wondering what husbands going on trips and change of watches have to do with one another. There are a couple of relevant similarities: first, in both cases, someone is leaving and is leaving his responsibilities to another that may or may not know what is going on. Second, both should involve an official handing over of those responsibilities from the one leaving to the one staying. Imagine what would happen in a nuclear powered submarine if the fellow doing the navigation just wandered off when the new man came on watch. Yet, that is often what occurs the home when the husband goes on a trip. He just wanders off, under the assumption that his wife will pick up where he left off. He assumes this while giving her little or no instruction or information at all. A husband and wife should have a change of the guard ceremony when he departs on a trip and then upon his return home. This is how it ought to be done: