Part 4: Woodenness

These words of guidance seem very mechanical, cut and dry. But the issue of a family split up, even if it is not because of a fight, is not mechanical. It can devastate a family and destroy the lives of children. Husband, you need to know that this whole area of your lives is very emotional for your wives. For you it is just part of the job, but for your wife, it is the ripping apart of her life. You need to do far more than what you think adequate for your wife to get through these difficult times. When you prepare to leave, you need to be especially tender and loving to her and to your children. You need to take more time than normal to be with your family separately and collectively. Pour on the love and the hugs and smooches. Tell them you love them and then love them.

While you are gone, you need to do whatever it takes to keep in constant communication with your family — call, e-mail, telegram, whatever it takes. Spend time on the phone catching up with the kids’ lives, tell your wife you miss her and appreciate all she’s going through for you and the family.

When you get home, take a lot of time to get to know your children and your wife again. Do not just go through the motions, really care for them. Spend time with them together as a family, but also individually. You cannot know how much your absence has affected your family, but you must understand that your departure, absence, and return are drastic and possibly devastating event in the life of your family to have you go away (no matter how often or how many times). You need to lavish your love and attention on your wife. Let her know how much you appreciate how much she undertook for the sake of the family. Don’t let your tiredness overcome your duty to love your wife. Let this be one more area or way that you lay down your life for your wife.

You need to know that whatever state your home is in when you get home is your responsibility. If there are things that have fallen apart and were never fixed, you may not get angry with your wife. It fell apart in your home and you are responsible for it, not her. So, love your wife and commend her for working as hard as she did while you were gone.

Finally, anticipate emotional outpourings even weeks after your return. Your leaving is an emotional event for your wife and family. In our day, where everything is supposed to be a certain way, emotions are often assumed not to exist. So, when you get home and have your changing of the guard ceremony and everything seems to be going well, just assume that in a week or two things will unravel and the emotion of it all will just gush out all over you. Respond to this tenderly and love your wife.

Wife, you need to know that your husband is doing his best to provide for your family. He may think he is being a mighty hunter and is out being like every other mighty hunter in the history of the earth, and he would be right. You need to let him do what he can to take care of you. Be careful not to nag him or to assume things about him or his thoughts. If he seems distant, let him be distant; he will come back. If he is tired, let him be tired and clean his gun when he comes home, all beat up from fighting those windmills out there. Serve your husband and lift him up. Your husband is trying to serve God and you by taking care of you financially. Don’t assume he is a “big dumb dog.” Let God work in and through your husband and bless him.

Both of you need to know that if you have been going through this departure and absence routine for a long time, you have probably learned to “cope” on your own. When you hear sermons on the godly Christian family, yours probably does not look much like the picture the pastor paints. Yet, you see yourself getting along okay, and you may, but you can be doing better. You may need to confess some sin and get things straightened out in your marriage. It may take some time, but God is good and He takes us from where we are, not from where we ought to be. Begin today and see what God can do for you.

If you are just starting out with this temporary separation thing, you’ll need to start afresh with the right foot forward. Start having loving, changing of the guard ceremonies right from the start. See if you can minimize the difficulties of leaving your family. Don’t let the stress of having your family temporarily split apart tempt you to sin.