If we understand family problems as covenantal problems, which they are, we will see that the problem of a wife who is tempted to despair because you don't love her very well is more your problem than her’s. What this means is that, when a wife is in sin, you are in sin as well. God holds her responsible for her sin, but he also holds you responsible for her sin.
What this means is that if your wife wants you to tell her you love her more often, it is not only her problem, it is yours. The way to solve this problem in your home has several facets.
The most obvious thing to do is to tell your wife you love her. If you want a happy home you should not wait for your wife to get upset about it, you need to tell her before she has a chance to get upset and nag. If there are other things around the home that upset her (like your sitting on the couch watching TV while she “slaves away” in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner), you need to attend to them before they become a problem. You should anticipate the kinds of things that require love and attention.
Am I saying that you should let your wife run the home? No, I’m saying that the Bible tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church when he died and gave himself up for her (Eph. 5:25).
Here are a few suggestions:
- The first thing is to know that marriage is about relationship. It is relationship between 3 people: You, your wife, and God. If you haven’t been practicing confession of sin, you have some confessing to do. As the husband, you need to lead in this. In fact, you should confess to your wife, but do not expect her to confess in return. You need to confess your sin and resolve to repent from it. This means that you are committed to turning away from the sin and turning to the things God would have you do as the leader in your home. This first point is that you need to “fix” all the damage you have done with respect to your wife and family.
- As the damage is being repaired, begin to lead your wife and family in Bible study and spiritual things. This doesn’t mean that you have to be Mr. Theology wonk. It only means you need to initiate and lead regular family worship. Does this mean that you have to be a seminary professor? No. It does mean that you might need to confess your sin of not leading in the past, not knowing what in the world you are doing, and the fact that you’ve spent the majority of time during the past several years learning more about fly fishing than either your God or your wife. What if no one trusts your confession and they don’t want to join you in Bible study? This might happen. Consider it all joy and let your godliness show itself in your example to your family rather than actual application. Instead of leading a worship time, simply pick up your bible or a good book and read it instead of watching TV. Let your family see the changes in you and want what you have before you try to "impose" anything on them.
- Once things settle down, or if they are already settled down, have a conversation with your wife about what kinds of things you might do for her that would tell her you love her. You might think working hard all day and bringing home a pay check says, “I love you.” But she might think picking up your wet towel after your shower (or taking a shower every day) might say “I love you.” This doesn’t mean you won’t need to tell her you love her, but you need to immerse your wife in love. You need to do everything in your power to let her know you love her and care for her and that she is the most wonderful person in your life.
- Study your wife. What are her favorite colors? Does she dislike any particular colors? If you she abhors orange, don’t buy her an orange dress for her birthday. What kind of music does she like? Where does she get her hair done? Do you like her hair? Do you notice when she gets it done? Notice! Is your wife an intellectual? Does she like a particular kind of wine, movies, books, etc. Study her and make kind comments on the things she likes and enjoys.
- Date your wife. Most of us dated our wives before we were married. You won her then, win her again. And do it until you’re both old and wrinkled. Take her on weekly dates, take her on special dates that require weeks of planning. Take her on cheap dates (tour Cosco or Home Depot), take her on expensive dates (to the opera). Take her on overnight dates. Wine her, dine her. Flirt with her. Make passionate love to her. Do the things you did in the beginning to convince her to become your wife. She should be getting what you promised and more so.
- Finally, love her children. Study the Bible to see how you should be bringing up your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Lead your family in discipline. Don’t make your wife be the heavy all the time. Discipline, by the way, comes in two ways: the negative kind where they are punished for their sins and indiscretions, and the positive kind where they are trained to live as responsible human beings and s. You are the head of your household. Take responsibility for how things in your house are run and operate. The Bible says, fathers do not exasperate your children (Eph 6:4), but to do this you have to be in contact with your children in ways that might exasperate them, but don’t.
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