I have an 18 year old daughter who wants to get married. She and I are both in favor of the courtship , but I don’t know what kinds of things to ask and do to establish the courtship process.
I don’t want to chase guys away or to come off like a Spanish inquisitor, but I do want to protect my daughter from being hurt or from becoming involved with a wacko.
Can you help?
Ken Smith
Dear Mr. Smith,
First, let me say that it a very good thing that you have raised your daughter in such a way that she trusts you and will allow you to help her in the marriage process. We don’t find that sort of thing every day.
Second, let me point out that your daughter is young and you are therefore not in a great hurry to figure all this out. Also, courtship isn’t a wooden operation. You’re dealing with people, not machines or nuts and bolts. Also, there are no sure fire ways to avoid pain and suffering. There is nothing that will guarantee that the man you “pick” for your daughter will be the perfect man (who of us would have ever been able to marry?).
The Call
You asked about questions to ask a young man who wants to court your daughter. In answering this let me give you a situation and work our way through it. Please feel free to ask any questions as we go through:
Suppose you answer the phone and there is a young man on the other end who wants to talk to you about Suzy (your daughter). I would suggest taking his name and number and telling him you’ll call him back in a few days.
After the Call
Further, I suggest that you use this scenario whether you’ve known Bob for a long time or a short time, whether you know his family or not. Don’t assume anything.
Tell Suzy you received a phone call from Bob and ask her about him. If Suzy doesn’t know Bob at all and was just using you as the instrument to say ‘no’ (which is a good thing), you simply need to call him back and tell him you appreciate his guts, but that you aren’t interested in letting him see your daughter. This is one place where your graciousness comes in. You should be kind to Bob, but firm.
If Suzy does know him and likes him, but isn’t interested in him as a possible husband, you give him a call and tell him “no” just like you did in the first instance.
If Suzy knows him, knows his spiritual state, likes (respects) him, and wants to pursue things further, you should call Bob and ask him to have lunch (just the two of you).
From now on you should pay attention to Suzy’s feelings, thoughts, desires, etc. but you are responsible in terms of information gathering.
Here are some general kinds of things you should talk to Bob about when you first meet him:
- Tell me about your intentions with regard to Suzy?
- Tell me about yourself, back ground, spiritual life, relationship with parents.
- Tell me about what you think the role of a husband ought to be.
- Tell me about what you think the role of a wife should be.
- Tell me about what you think about Christian liberty issues (alcohol, tobacco, , etc.).
- Have you seen any pictures you shouldn't have in the past 3 months?
- What do you think about ‘R’ rated movies?
- Tell me about your past love life.
- Tell me about your plans for the future: career, family, location, kids, etc.
- Ask him for contact information for 10 people (including church leaders) who have known him for 10 years and then ask them all these same questions about Bob.
You asked about scaring him away or him thinking you’re the grand inquisitor. This is your job. You are supposed to protect your daughter and being a bogey man is part of that. Just remember to be sweet, gracious, and respectable through it all. If you can scare him away, he’s not man enough for your daughter. You don’t want her to marry a boy or a wimp. And none of these questions are really that hard, they are just probing and to a certain kind of mind a bit nosey.
You are trying to gain information, but what you are really trying to do is to get to know Bob. You want to know what kind of man he is. What is his character? Will he cut and run as soon as things get tough? Or will he hang in there and support and love your daughter no matter what the situation? With this in mind you learn not only the facts, you also watch how he discusses the issues (character). You should watch his body language. How confident is he? Is he lying to you? Is he trying to snow you? Is he genuinely interested in Suzy as a wife or does he see her as a goal or a means to some other goal? Is he just a boy who is playing, or is he a genuine man (you might ask how he thinks of himself)?
When he talks about his spiritual life, pay special attention to his theology, his leadership abilities, his openness to learning. You want a man for Suzy who stands for what he believes, but is also interested in learning and growing. He should be a man you respect and one who respects you. Does he agree with you theologically? It is important that he agree with you on some major things. For example it is important for me that the man who marries my daughter be Reformed, Covenantal, Postmillennial, etc. Of course if he doesn’t agree with those things now, is he interested in changing? Not thinking in those ways now might not be a deal breaker, but they might become deal breakers if he is not interested in learning more about theological things.
In those areas where you like him, but he needs to do some maturing or changing before they marry, I’m not sure I’d tell him about those things in that way. If you do, you run the risk of setting up hoops for Bob to jump through and his changes may not be truly from the heart. I’ve known a lot of men who “changed” until after the wedding and then just fell back into their old lives after the wedding. You don’t want that.
One way to avoid this is that as part of the courtship process you’ll want to give both Bob and Suzy a ton of books to read. Included in this list should be books on marriage and books on theology. Marriage is very difficult if both husband and wife aren’t on the same page in these two areas. Making sure they agree before marriage is helpful after marriage.
When he talks about his family, pay attention to how he thinks of his mother and respects his father. How does he treat his sisters and brothers? Does he like Dogs? Does he have a sense of humor? Is he mature? Is he supporting himself?
When he talks about his past, keep in mind that God forgives. If he has repented and has been walking with God for a long time (he might define this differently than you do, but your opinion is the one that matters here), you need to take that into account when you think about whether he is suitable for Suzy. God takes us from where we are, not from where we ought to be. But if he was addicted to anything yesterday, he’s clearly not ready to court anyone, let alone Suzy.
When this/these meeting(s) is/are over tell Bob you’ll be thinking and praying about his proposition. Explain to him that the endeavor that he’s asked you all to enter into is too important for snap decisions and that you’ll get back to him in a week or so.
Again, stay in close contact with Suzy. If she sees him regularly at class or something, he might say things to her about your interview. Pay attention to what he says and to his attitude in it. Also, pay attention to how Suzy perceives what his reaction is. If she likes him even more, take that into strong account.
Next, go through the information you’ve gathered, both factual and character (this includes what your guts are telling you). Do you like him? Do you respect him? Would you like to have dinner with him for the next 30 Thanksgivings? You might not know that much on the first visit, but you’ll know if the answer is ‘no’ to these questions. If he gave great answers, but you can’t stand the guy, that says something; something important.
If you really think Bob would not be suited for Suzy, you need to organize yourself and let them know. It could be that there are already strong emotions between them. If so, you should be extra careful to explain why you think they should trust in the Lord for other people.
If at any point in this whole process Suzy says, “You know what? I’m not all that excited about Bob,” you should pull the plug on the whole thing. Chat with her about how important it all is, but don’t let her feel any pressure to marry Bob, if she doesn’t want to (even to the day of the wedding, even if you’ve already shelled out the $20,000 for the wedding). Only you know if she is just emotional and will change her mind back tomorrow or in an hour, but she shouldn’t feel real pressure to marry someone she doesn’t want to marry.
If after the interview you can’t find anything wrong with Bob, and Suzy still things he’s hunky, give him a call and invite him to supper. Let him spend the evening with your family. You don’t need to grill him anymore for facts, but keep an eye on him. Notice how he lives out what he told you he believes. See how he relates to the rest of the family. He will probably be nervous, keep that in mind, but notice how he acts when he’s nervous. After dinner ask everyone in the family for their opinion of him.
If all is still good, ask to get together with Bob and see if he is still interested. If so, explain to him what you think a courtship should look like. Ask him if he’s happy with that and discuss any ideas he might have. Remember, if he will one day be a member of your family you both need to respect one another right from the beginning. You are also still protecting your daughter and he should be starting to protect her too (and this includes her heart).
After you hammer out what you both agree is the way it should go, you should invite Suzy to chat with the two of you. Explain how it will work and why. If at any point one or both of you sees a good reason for breaking it all off, make sure they and you know it should be broken off.
Again, remember through all of this that you are dealing with people not machines. None of this is wooden. People are sinful. But God gives grace and forgives. Take your time, enjoy yourself. Love your daughter and Bob. Pray for wisdom.
Again, if you have further questions, feel free to ask.
I hope this helps.
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