Respecting Husbands

Dear Pastor Lawyer,

People are constantly coming up to me and telling me that I’m not respecting my husband. I have two questions: First, why should I respect him when he isn’t respectable? He doesn’t deserve to be respected. And second, if I do decide to respect my husband, what does it mean to respect him? In other words, what would respecting my husband look like?

Wondering in Bremerton

Dear Wondering,

Your question is one that I hear a lot. And it isn’t any wonder, given the state of our men these days. When men abdicate their responsibilities in the home, it makes it difficult for their wives to respect them. Also, since this has been going on for many generations, it is difficult for daughters of disrespectful mothers to submit to their husbands, even when those husbands are being respectable.

God commands wives to respect their husbands in Ephesians 5:33. When we read passages like this, we need to maintain a sense of context. This passage tells us that wives are to respect their husbands as a way of respecting Christ (cf. v. 21). This means that one of the ways that a Christian woman submits herself to Christ is by respecting her husband. In this way, she is not respecting her husband because he is respectable, but because Jesus is Lord and she is obeying Him. In fact, the husband’s worthiness of respect has nothing to do with whether the wife respects him or not. It helps a lot if he is a wonderful Christian man who loves his wife as Christ loves the Church, but it is not necessary for her obedience to God. The command is for you to respect your husband whether he deserves it or not because Jesus is worthy of respect and it's he who stands behind the command.

Your second question is a bit harder to answer because if I give you a list of things to show respect, you may think that I’ve been exhaustive when I’m only scratching the surface. Let me begin by saying that you probably ought to find out what your husband thinks is respectful behavior. As long as he’s not asking you to sin in other ways, I’d say his opinion of respect is of first priority.

That being said, here are a few things that I think needs to be included when we talk about respectful behavior. First, realize that submitting to your husband is the first step in respecting him. The Bible teaches that the wife is given to her husband to be his helpmeet, not the other way around. This means that the wife is to submit to her husband’s will for the family’s life. Hence the command. The only way that I know of that will allow you to obey this command is if you submit yourself to God first. Then, you can submit yourself to your husband and begin the adventure of respecting him.

Most people recognize disrespect when they see a wife complaining about her husband (either to him directly or behind his back), when they see nagging, and when they see the wife who is supposed to be in submission telling her husband what to do. Wives who want to respect their husbands need to avoid these things like the plague. They need to submit to God, then their husbands, and let that submission overflow into the rest of their lives. This will include focusing on the positive aspects of their husbands, saying only good things to them and about them to others, and letting their husbands lead in the family relationship. A respectful wife will begin to look for ways to build up her husband in order to make him feel respected. In her zeal to serve the living God, a respectful wife will work to make sure that her husband will have only good things to say about her – that she is a great wife and blessed among women.

I hope this helps,

Pastor Lawyer